One Fickel Thought

What does she want to see out of herself?
At one point, she was on her way …but then, life changed…
In so many ways, what went before, is now poles apart from today.
She wishes, like a light switch, she could turn on her motivation.
She has the power,
what power?
To change…but,
she goes against everything she once believed in that worked.
Does that make sense?
Does this make her a walking contradiction?
Then, so be it.
Does that make sense?
Think about this, she says:
“I don’t dare do it another person’s way…”
Sometimes, she’s so set in her ways…
Will there ever be a day that she wakes-up and decides:
“This is it…I am going to make,
positive changes?”

So much in this society is bad for us, so little good.
It is not good for her…or, for anyone.
“One change at a time,” she says.

No change, no problem…once again.
This expected journey does not surprise her.
But, can she deny, in the least,
change?
She cannot continue in this way.
The problem…well, not the problem, it is not a problem…wrong word…
“minor-set-back”…a lack of spirituality…
She told Curt today,
“I am a spiritual person.”
He said, “Yah. What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I don’t practice my spirituality, my beliefs, my faith…nearly enough.”
“A spirit made flesh in this world,” she has always thought.

With everything, it is not one thing that makes the lot better.
This life…made up of countless worries, to be dealt with…on a daily basis.

Life…
continuous improvisation?
Everyday, we can build.
Otherwise…
we start dying…early.
Satisfied and stagnant…fulfillment seems so far off,
so unattainable.
So temporary our life…a fast run, she once heard.
Time spent on this planet…a tiny fraction of existence.

Life can be as beautiful or as ugly as we choose to live it.
We live by the choices we make, her father told her.
“Why, then, do we do the things that make us unhappy?” she wonders.
Is it sacrifice?
Timing?
“Why not,” she pronounces, “live our own lives and do what’s right for ourselves?”
Today is the day…to change!
She is going to do it her own way!
She’s changing!

Not the destination…the process.
She tells herself the process is not empty of things.
So many experiences,
to be experienced.
She wants to understand this life…and,
the one after.
Ask her:
Is this the way you want to live your life?
She doesn’t quite know
Where she will be taken, but
she hopes it is where her heart lies.
Through her eyes, her heart sees the world…it takes it in…and gives is back.

Growing up…learning about herself;
Her strengths, her weaknesses.
An everyday epiphany...almost?

She attempted to figure out what disturbs her so...to act withdrawn at times.
Tomorrow morning she will have ended this frame of mind.

So what does she do to maintain this endless momentum,
she calls life?
Keep busy?
Balance?
“No! We are entitled to what we feel,” she preaches.
She can be anything she wants to be.
This means she can truly be happy.
Why not?
“Why not be happy.” said she.

What is left out?



~~~~~~~


She knows what it involves…she thinks?
What choice is it,
to make things better?
This endless journey…these limitless opportunities…reaching for the sky?
Is that what it is all about?
The stars, she feels, are a better choice...at least then she has found something…the sky?...when do you ever get there?
It seems to be…
all around.

This life…unexpected turns…making, taking.
Revolutions…“For what?” she asks.
Where are we going?...and, for what reason?
Clarity?
Things will take shape, the meaning will reveal itself.
We are not supposed to understand…everything that happens.
A journey so spontaneous…she cannot stand it…where do the twists lead?

Believing you can create a world so beautiful…faith is the key…without, where do we go...where do we come from?
These happenings…reasons, there are reasons…
“Why do they not make themselves evident?” she asks.
One day?

We must not live for our regrets…what good are they?
For so long, the wrong decisions have loomed over her head.
“Leave me!” she tells them.
Bold and risky, this life…if,
we want to live it.
Starting the right way…“right” way?
What is good for you…what will create an awesome being…to get you where it is you think you want to be.

Ironic…she may never know where that is…in the end…where does your hope lie?
Achievements…something to work for…something to live for,
if not for yourself?
Something, to keep her charged when she wants to give up.

“There’s more to life,” she started, “more than, I guess…I can imagine.”
For so long…and still,
an eternity.
Where is the strength…inside, to continue?
To fight this great battle…to win this war…war?...what war?
The push…to dreams longed for.
For it all to unravel…to make sense.
That creative uplifting…where?



~~~~~~~


A timeless imagining of a love, so great…to keep her eyes before her…and,
not behind.
The support she needs does not show its face.
The one-sided deal…where only one receives it all.
It doesn’t work…for her…for anyone.
Yourself, as you see it, is you…without what you think you see.
Loving what is deep…allowing the rest to,
play out.
So much to offer…it’s so much older than her…no, it does not scare…yes, it excites.

Something so great, she speaks of.
Ask her:
“Well, then, what is it?”
Silence.
She does not know, but…
she does…
not…
know…

“I don’t like where it’s going!” she cries.
To be part of this something…so raw…so pure…
so absolutely undetermined.


~~~~~~~


Practice…there is improvement in her
It is not the talent, but,
how hard she will work.
So bad, the feeling…the wanting… the desire.
It sounds good off the tongue, but,
what does it mean?
To you, the only person in the room.
Proof…proof of what…prove to whom?
Your accomplishments run short of this line…and, “why?” she asks.

No need for the frills or vast items that without you feel lost.
Leave them to those who have figured it out…do they know?…the process…or, is it the destination they own?

“Just one small room,” she said.
Without fear, you may have…in a determined fashion…the pursuit, with your heart…go, go to this place.
This is what she wants…she thinks she needs.



~~~~~~~


Here she is…searching for sun…and,
she has found rain.
Ironic?
“No. That’s the way it works,” she said.
It is not around the corner…or around that one.
We’ve driven for hours…the oddest hours…and discovered a period of rain…it is what we are accustomed to, but…not what we expected.

For now…she will settle on those…those that will suck the venom from the bite of a rattlesnake, if she should get bit…like all the brilliant things in this life…it comes with time.
Those experiences…she longs for…right in front…but, can she see…can anyone?

The older we get, the more we learn…we do not know shit…vulgar? Yes…true?…of course.
We cannot pretend to know everything…we’ll get caught.
To know it…leaves out adventure…to have a grasp…at least?
Wait…“wait for what?” she asked.

Remember the once blank pages…now filled…how it occurred…occurred to you…to fill…blank pages.

She prays she will follow the good.
They are just words, though…merely words,
without action.
Continue to listen…look at the progress.
Do not let them get in your way…those…those that do not want what you desire…those… unwilling to work for your dreams.
And, why should they?...they have their own pursuit.

Do not let this expected rain come down on you.
“Why?” she begs.
Why all the time…why not?
Find out for yourself.
It is not as elaborate as you dream it up to be…this life.
Keep your sanity…that is an accomplishment.
Love does not drain.
Solid exertion, sacrifice…are not supposed to be seen on the surface…they happen without notice.
A relationship unfolding.
Water rippling on the shore after sunset.
The smile of a happy being.
A king-sized bed.
The recovery of a loved one.

Simplicity…see it…do not allow yourself the confusion.
“Why?” she asks again…only…to ask,
again.


~~~~~~~


Where does it go…time?
It is already here,
and passed us.

Erase it…take “time” out of the equation.
Settle.
Here…we are…together, with all the



in the world.
If you allow it, it will encompass your every move.
But, what if?
But, who knows?
Excuse me, what




is it?

Remember when it did not matter.
When you ran for hours, allowing your mind a rest…your imagination without boundaries…a time when your questions were vast, but…your concerns so low on the scale…the wind ran its way through your ears…it was your stomach that alerted you…your signals were raw and untamed…signs…symbols…where did the




go?


Rest yourself in that place…a period of…

“That’s irrelevant!” she screams.

Of that, you will never learn.
Time has control now.



~~~~~~~


She ruined the sparks she has accumulated.
Her selfish thoughts have won today.
“Nobody understands.
Why the unnecessary added to my soup!” she vocalized.
The connection she has lost…is immeasurable…nothing she knows how to feel.
Developing oneself, one can learn.
Not everything seems painless…but, what other way would you want it?

Give up…allow, whatever it is…to fall upon your lap.
Your anxiety kills your spirit…be strong…to be true.
Alone, you will find, the preciousness…what is vital to your growth.
If you are not growing…you are dying,
sooner.
This life is short…but, not as short as we think it to be.
Not one day goes by, that we cannot further ourselves.
“I want so much,” she asked.
Why, I asked her.
Her response:
“Why not?
I want to be stronger and tougher.
I want to feel my emotions, but never get carried away.
I want to live in a world with endless rides, to be taken.
I want to jump without caution and get caught in the wind.
I want it to carry me to beautiful people.
I want to start my day sweating fresh air.
I want to feel love.”

“And?” I ask.



~~~~~~~


What is she going to do…with this mind of hers…running wildly with a reckless abandon for her sanity.
What will become of her?
Will she be awesome…or, one who settles in with the group?

“I’m starting over today!
No one can predict who I’ll be tomorrow!” she said.
Tomorrow…
she is preaching again, but…
will it change?
These symptoms she displays show no signs of reason.
Time now to reverse…what she has done?
No bread for you…’til your learn, she hears.

Large proportions of life…consumed all at once.
Slow down.
Too fast, and…the fire and splendor are lost.
This life,
get it down on paper, so
your thoughts do not distract…
your thoughts.

No need for this concentration.
“When will I know I can trust to receive what I plan to put in?” she asks.
When you put in.

You want your cup of hot tea to fill itself naturally with each sip you take, but…you will never know ‘til the end, where you are…drink without caution…drink what you have been given…it might just get cold.

Continuance, without difference.
Her life is a hamster’s wheel…with no signs of breaking.
“I want to be great at something!” she begs.
This average life does not plan with her works.
“Something big!” she cries.

Laziness, she says is her meditation…but,
when will she start?

Lost in the group…standard…normal.
You play the way you do not want…and, still…
you make no change?



~~~~~~~


Fulfilling a potential…so real…so available.
Realization…is this how it is to be…or,
will you fly?
Lingering thoughts are eating her up…and, alive.

Her worries creep like the signs of a cold…this pyramid she idealizes is a mountain of grief,
Instead of hope…
Bumps, dips, dead-ends…where do they lead?

She bears a negative hold...who told her she could not have…

The power lies within yourself…this achievement you speak of, grander than you can allow yourself to imagine, is there…the energy has placed itself for your taking…what more is it that you want…you need?

This learning process you fear, is not beyond reach…your whole life…and the life ahead…so much courage involved…your mind will open, when
you allow it.

She has waited a long time…and the whole time…
it was there.
“Positivity?” she asks.

Maybe…but,
who really knows?